- My old journals.
- August 29th, 2010
In case you didn't know, I have had plenty of online journals in the past. I just went to one recently, and I find it hard to believe how much I have grown since then.
I saw that I took a quiz meme. But it didn't even score anything, it just took your name and age. To me that is a gross misrepresentation of what social statistics are. I can't believe I would even be so young and immature as to take that quiz in the first place. In addition, my blogs were shorter and less developed. Quite frequently, they would lack paragraph structure and ramble on about things that were completely not connected to each other.
Not only that, but my "interests" have changed. I used to not have nearly as much direction in my life. I suppose if I was to name my interests today, I would say that I am interested in natural foods, natural living, and healthy alternative lifestyles. I am also interested in the environmental movement, women's liberation, dancing, being cheap, traveling, my boyfriend, and all things public health.
Back then, some of my interests were stupid and pointless, or at least not things that ended up central to my life. First and foremost was pleasing my parents. I tried to sound way smarter than I was. Part of the problem was finding people to talk to. I was interested in a lot of things that I didn't know how to learn about.
If I was to look at myself now back then, I think I would like what I see in my style today. My style has changed dramatically into something sophisticated that I can truly own as my own style. It's not that I didn't have style back then, but my mother bought most of my clothes, and I didn't really care to try to find a style of my own. When I started college, for example, I had a horribly simplistic style that was akin to putting clothes on in the morning. Since then, I got a ob where I had to dress up, and I started to put on jewelery. I am a classic necklace girl. I was actually transfixed by the gothic clothing for a little while, but I still had all these pink clothes... I had a beautiful website back then, but it was a simplistic sense of style that didn't account for important things like whether or not people can actually read the words on the screen.
I can't believe how much I have found myself. At the time, I was so lost. I didn't even know I was lost for so long. It is so heartbreaking to see what I went through. I dated some guy several years older than me. We had the same maturity level. It's so sad to see myself having gone through that in the past. He made me happy when nothing else would have. My family is interested a lot in social climbing, and I wanted to extricate myself from that as much as possible. I could not have seen the bad in having a poor life because I've never needed to do anything on my own. I really enjoyed that challenge. I became a completely different person with the opportunity to make it or break it more or less on my own, and that was something that was truly amazing.
Honestly, we were never really lovers. I had the drive for maybe a month or so when he was new, but I never let him touch me.
I am so glad that I am so mature. Hell, I got my own birth control... Semi-permanent. She was always worried about me getting knocked up, but I never let guys even touch me at that age.
It's just amazing to look back at it all and realize how stupid and simple I was.