Hoping for a Bright Future

A Better Decade

Hello and Welcome :-)
If you are reading this message, it means that you are probably not in my locked livejournal friend circle yet.
If you want to be my livejournal buddy, please just add me. :-)

This journal is just for me to spout off about my life at random. In general, I talk about my plans, my goals, and my insecurities.
Favorite post themes for me are dreams, good morning, gratefulness, and lists. Thank you for stopping by!


(no subject)
The only other people from my school who I could figure out are going to grad school are married to each other and have a house... Well, they are the only ones I could definitely find out of many of the intelligent students. There are two others I found, but they were in a higher grade than I am. Maybe I shouldn't post my info all over the internet, where I'm going to school and whatnot. I'm proud of it, but not that proud. It's not up to me to tell people things like that, is it? Maybe I should remove the information. Who really looks at those things?

Well anyway, I'm getting ready for school... Right? That's what I'm really doing... It has nothing to do with them.

(no subject)
It's my journal and it's the only place on the internet that I really feel comforable saying whatever I feel like so please forgive me for this when I'm done.

I feel like killing myself. Seriously, what could be worse? Idk, I feel like it.

In other news, oh wait there is no other news.

I think about it a lot. I have a lot of rage. I really wish I could.
I want to. Oh well. I know I have to do a lot of bullshit that I don't feel like.

I have quit eating. :-)

(no subject)
i am so fucking suicidal sometimes and i'm so upset about it that i can't even explain what is so upsetting.

anyway if i was to wrie a suicide note it would read as follows

I am so sick of you you bastard. I know you won't feel sorry, but feel free to fuck my dead body.


Writer's Block: Redo
If there was something you could change about your past, what would it be?

If only I could go back and change my life and be a totally different, more successful person... But then I wouldn't be me, now would I? I have to own up to everything that has happened thus far... For the most part.

So if I wanted to change something about my life thus far, I would not change the awful terrible past. I've already lived it, so who cares?

What I would change about my past is... I would be completely different. Mistakes are part of life, and I've made a lot of wrong choices every day, some days worse than others. But I would change absolutely everything. I wouldn't want to start up again as myself. I would definitely want to be somebody completely different 100% not myself. Being myself again only having it easier or harder sounds absolutely awful and I simply refuse it.

(no subject)
Well it's really just too much to explain today. Anyway, I hope that you all are well.

My old journals.
In case you didn't know, I have had plenty of online journals in the past. I just went to one recently, and I find it hard to believe how much I have grown since then.

I saw that I took a quiz meme. But it didn't even score anything, it just took your name and age. To me that is a gross misrepresentation of what social statistics are. I can't believe I would even be so young and immature as to take that quiz in the first place. In addition, my blogs were shorter and less developed. Quite frequently, they would lack paragraph structure and ramble on about things that were completely not connected to each other.

Not only that, but my "interests" have changed. I used to not have nearly as much direction in my life. I suppose if I was to name my interests today, I would say that I am interested in natural foods, natural living, and healthy alternative lifestyles. I am also interested in the environmental movement, women's liberation, dancing, being cheap, traveling, my boyfriend, and all things public health.
Back then, some of my interests were stupid and pointless, or at least not things that ended up central to my life. First and foremost was pleasing my parents. I tried to sound way smarter than I was. Part of the problem was finding people to talk to. I was interested in a lot of things that I didn't know how to learn about.

If I was to look at myself now back then, I think I would like what I see in my style today. My style has changed dramatically into something sophisticated that I can truly own as my own style. It's not that I didn't have style back then, but my mother bought most of my clothes, and I didn't really care to try to find a style of my own. When I started college, for example, I had a horribly simplistic style that was akin to putting clothes on in the morning. Since then, I got a ob where I had to dress up, and I started to put on jewelery. I am a classic necklace girl. I was actually transfixed by the gothic clothing for a little while, but I still had all these pink clothes... I had a beautiful website back then, but it was a simplistic sense of style that didn't account for important things like whether or not people can actually read the words on the screen.

I can't believe how much I have found myself. At the time, I was so lost. I didn't even know I was lost for so long. It is so heartbreaking to see what I went through. I dated some guy several years older than me. We had the same maturity level. It's so sad to see myself having gone through that in the past. He made me happy when nothing else would have. My family is interested a lot in social climbing, and I wanted to extricate myself from that as much as possible. I could not have seen the bad in having a poor life because I've never needed to do anything on my own. I really enjoyed that challenge. I became a completely different person with the opportunity to make it or break it more or less on my own, and that was something that was truly amazing.

Honestly, we were never really lovers. I had the drive for maybe a month or so when he was new, but I never let him touch me.

I am so glad that I am so mature. Hell, I got my own birth control... Semi-permanent. She was always worried about me getting knocked up, but I never let guys even touch me at that age.

It's just amazing to look back at it all and realize how stupid and simple I was.

(no subject)
I was the DJ "did the music" for my uncle's wedding today. It was the worst DJ set up I've ever seen- a 3-CD player with blown out speakers and no volume.
I feel like all the work, the many hours I spent on this wedding playlist... Went grossly underappreciated. In the end, i'm happy I did it because it forced me to think about the messages of songs and the true meaning of romantic love.
There are a lot of really vulgar songs out today, and none of them have longevity whem I really look at them as an old standby as opposed to the "something different" with a lot of familiarity that I am used to in pop music.
I can't really think about it right now I'm exhausted. EXHAUSTED. I was so tired today that I kept hearing my phone ring even though it wasn't ringing (I get that small form of schizophrenia when I'm tired, like bells ringing over and over and over).

I had a really good night with my boyfriend. Maybe it's all in my head but I think we've been working out as a couple lately.

Internet Dating
Dating by instant messenger has actually been around longer than you think.
My great grandparents were both telegraphers, and they met through telegram long ago.
My great grandfather thought she was male, because she always signed with her initials, and not her name.
They became friends and decided to meet.
The rest is history.
This is why I think it is perfectly legitimate that I met my boyfriend through instant messenger.
It has actually worked for much longer than people today think.

(no subject)
My parents used to say that when you got out of high school, you'd never see those people again... Or at least you'd never have to see those people again if you didn't want to. However, I belong to the first of the Facebook generations, in which what you do will be posted and seen by all of your former classmates for the rest of your life, if you choose to be their "Facebook Friend".
I've been spending a bit of time looking at people's photos and pages, and wondering if this is what I expected to happen when I grew up... Would Lindsay and Mike get hitched? Would Carli and Chris? Who would still get together, who would still be friends to the end? And who would move on and make new friends... And have a new home? Who would have the pretty girlfriend?

It turns out that so much is different than I expected, and I didn't really want to know it all. I didn't want to admit how fragile I am, that the possibilities for my failure were every bit as likely as the next person's... That the class bully would become a beauty queen, or that she would never go to college.

Have I really moved on? Do I have my own feet on the ground? What about my Facebook profile is so different than my resume, another thing that I so detest. The most popular girls, some of them have thousands of friends, while some only have three hundred.

Who have I become, out of high school, and who do I have yet to become? The possibilities are many. However, one thing is for sure: It will not happen by me obsessing over comparisons between myself and the other people from my high school graduating class.


Log in